I’m no superman.

Currently listening to: “Deliverer” by Vicky Beeching

I have been struggling recently with a sin I thought I’d overcome. It’s something I’m ashamed of and so won’t be confessing in my blog, but I’d like to talk about it vaguely, nonetheless. In that case, please excuse my terminology when I say things like “free;” I know that I’m free from all sin with God in my life, but I’m referring to being “free” from this specific sin’s hold on me.

It’s something I’ve been struggling with for a long time, years. I thought I’d gotten rid of it when I’d finally confessed to my Bible study leader from high school, and I worked with her on talking to God about it and how to give the whole thing to Him. I was never fully free of it, but I was getting better. Freshman year of college, during Spring Break while I was back at home, it hit me one day that this sin truly hurt God. When I let it control me, when I let Satan manipulate me (I say “let” because I knew I was sinning while it was happening), I hurt Him, my Heavenly Father. He loves me so much and when I do something wrong, when I knowingly sin against Him, it breaks His heart. That day, I repented of the sin and vowed (in my fallible humanity) that I’d never let it take hold of me again.

For a year, I was faithful in that vow. I looked to God when the sin presented itself in my life and, after a while, I didn’t even feel the temptation to believe Satan’s lies. This year, right after Spring Break in Miami with Campus Crusade for Christ, Satan finally wore me down. I gave in, and I let God down. I’m human, so God understands that I make mistakes all the time and will always let Him down, but it’s no excuse. I hurt His heart, and He weeps for me. Since then, I’ve been trying to keep Satan from getting to me, but I’ve failed. I give in to Satan’s lies, and I forget what God’s done for me. I forget why He tells me to run to Him; it’s not because He wants to hinder me, quite the opposite: He wants my life to be wonderful, exactly as He’s planned for me. “Wonderful” doesn’t mean “painless” or “perfect.” “Wonderful” means “glorifying to Him.”

1 Timothy 6:11-16 is a fantastic passage. It says:

11But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. 12Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 13In the sight of God, who gives life to everything, and of Christ Jesus, who while testifying before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, I charge you 14to keep this command without spot or blame until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, 15which God will bring about in his own time—God, the blessed and only Ruler, the King of kings and Lord of lords, 16who alone is immortal and who lives in unapproachable light, whom no one has seen or can see. To him be honor and might forever. Amen.

God hates sin, but He still loves me. I will let Him down more times than I can imagine, but He claims me as His own. I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve His compassion, His love, His mercy, His forgiveness, His sacrifice. I deserve to die eternal death. But He loves me. Please pray for me as I struggle.

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