Take the good with the bad.

Today I went to the city to visit my friend Rebecca who’s on Summer Project and is staying in Greenwich.

I got to the city and ended up hanging out in Bryant Park while I waited for her to meet me. While I was sitting at a table reading a book, a homeless man came up to me and asked me if I had any spare change. I gave him the 50 cents that I had in coins and went back to reading. Not more than 5 seconds later, I realized I should have probably bought him a sandwich rather than given him money. Since he was still in Bryant Park, though a few tables away, I walked swiftly over to him and asked him if he’d like me to buy him a sandwich. He said yes, and “God bless you.” So I bought him a sandwich and heard some of his story: He was a highway construction worker, but his company got hit by the bad economy, so it closed down. He was laid off and has been living in a shelter in Brooklyn ever since. He doesn’t have much family, so there was nowhere for him to go but the shelter. The entire time, I couldn’t help but feel paranoid that he was taking advantage of a naive girl on a day trip to the city, but I pushed those qualms to the back of my mind as I helped him out.

After that, I had a great lunch with Rebecca and we caught up on each other’s lives. I miss my USC friends so much, it’s almost unbearable sometimes. Seeing Rebecca was wonderful. This trip also convinced me that I need to spend more time in the city alone. It’s so much fun wandering around with no agenda!

On a different note, someone I know just got engaged. It’s wonderful, but disheartening at the same time. I know this sounds selfish and girly, but I want what they have! I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s seen couples and wished for a relationship, or seen newlyweds and dreamed of being married. I keep thinking that if I changed something about myself, maybe then guys would find me captivating. Is it that I’m doing something wrong? I’m sure everyone can relate to my thoughts. I know with all of my heart that God is the only One I need in my life, but it’s also ok for me to want a husband, to want to be valued that much by a man. Finding my worth in Christ is hard when the world says differently; His love is always there and I know it, but it’s not tangible. Even though I can feel His comfort, He can’t reach out and hug me. My Love Language is physical touch: that’s how I show affection, and that’s how I know someone loves me (eros, philos, or agape). Touch is comforting and assuring, but I have to work harder to really rely on God’s unconditional and unwavering love for me, especially since I can’t feel it physically.

I’m hoping this post doesn’t make me sound … shallow? childish? selfish?

Auf Wiedersehen <3

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